COMMENTARY

DECEMBER 17, 2018

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TOMORROW NIGHT WILL BE EPIC!  THE HATRED BETWEEN THE TWO CHAMPIONSHIP CONTENDERS IS PALPABLE.  THIS PROMISES TO BE ONE FOR THE AGES.  THERE ARE GOING TO BE A LOT OF PEOPLE AT THE CHAMPIONSHIP EVENT.  IF IT ISN'T TOO MUCH TO ASK, I REQUEST THAT OUR COMPETITION  MOVES UP THEIR WEEKLY SHOWER SCHEDULE TO TUESDAY THIS WEEK.  AS RETURNING CHAMPIONS, YOU ARE REPRESENTATIVES OF THE LEAGUE AND I DON'T WANT FANS OUT THERE THINKING THAT WE ARE JUST A BUNCH OF SEWER PEOPLE.

NOW, IT HAS BECOME TRADITION TO INTERVIEW ONE OR BOTH OF THE CHAMPIONSHIP CONTENDING TEAMS ON THE EVE OF THE BIG MATCH.  I TRIED TO GET A WORD FROM THE EAT-A-BULL CAPTAIN, DAVE LOEPKE, BUT HE WAS TOO BUSY.  I OFFERED TO EMAIL HIM A FEW QUESTIONS, BUT HE SAID IT WOULD TAKE TO LONG TO SOUND OUT ALL OF THE WORDS AND IT WOULD INTERFERE WITH HIS PRACTICE SCHEDULE. 

I REALLY ONLY WANTED TO ASK DAVE ONE QUESTION.  ITS A QUESTION THAT EVERYONE IN THE LEAGUE HAS HAD ON THEIR MINDS FOR YEARS NOW.  I WANT TO KNOW WHAT RYAN GALVIN THOUGHT DARTS WERE WHEN HE FELT THE NEED FOR THAT LITTLE STRING THING TO KEEP HIS GLASSES ON?  I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF CONTACT SPORT DID HE THINK THIS WAS THAT HE THOUGHT HIS GLASSES WOULD BE FLYING EVERY WHICH WAY ENOUGH FOR HIM TO NEED TO SECURE THEM TO HIS HEAD?  THAT'S ALL I REALLY WANTED TO KNOW.  UNFORTUNATELY, I COULDN'T PUT THAT REQUEST INTO ENOUGH MONOSYLLABIC WORDS FOR DAVE TO UNDERSTAND.

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE! EXCEPT DAVE.  I HOPE YOU LOSE, DAVE.

DECEMBER 6, 2018

I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED THIS PAST TUESDAY NIGHT.  HOWEVER, I AM CONCERNED FOR THE FUTURE OF THE SHRIMPIN' BOYS.  THIS REPORTER HAS LEARNED THAT DENNIS SCHMITT HAS BEGUN DISCUSSING RETIREMENT FROM DARTS.  I WILL NOT REVEAL MY SOURCES, BUT I AM ALSO TOLD THAT HE HAS BEGUN TO SEARCH REAL ESTATE OUTSIDE THE FSAC DART LEAGUE BORDERS.  AT THE VERY LEAST, I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED IF HE DOESN'T SHOW HIS FACE FOR A WHILE.

MEANWHILE, LUI RODRIGUEZ'S PHONE HAS BEEN RINGING OFF THE HOOK SINCE TUESDAY NIGHT.  TIME TO PEEL HIM AWAY FROM THE GYM AND GET HIM BACK ON THE TEAM... BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD FREE AGENTS SCOOPS HIM UP.

THE BOARD WILL BE CONVENING TO DISCUSS DISQUALIFYING EAT-A-BULL ON THE BASIS THAT I DON'T LIKE DAVE. EARLY REPORTS SAY THAT THE VOTE IS SPLIT, BUT HE CAN'T HAVE THAT MANY PEOPLE THAT LIKE HIM.

GOOD LUCK TO THE FINAL FOUR TEAMS!!!

NOVEMBER 29, 2018

WELCOME TO THE PLAYOFFS!!!

DEAR DENNIS SCHMITT - MAY I PROPOSE A FRIENDLY WAGER?  IF YOU WIN, BILLY WILL ALL OF YOUR SERVICE CALLS FOR THE FIRST THREE HOURS OF YOUR SHIFT ON WEDNESDAY.  IF YOU LOSE, YOU OWE ME $50. DEAL?

NOVEMBER 9, 2018

SOME OF YOU KNOW THAT WE RECENTLY INSTALLED A COUPLE OF NEW DART BOARDS AT DOUBLE PLAY.  THIS MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN IN RESPONSE TO REPEATED TEARFUL PHONE CALLS BY DAVE LOEPKE.  WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW IS THAT WE'VE INSTALLED MICROPHONES IN THESE BOARDS TO SNOOP IN ON THE STRATEGY SESSIONS OF THOSE FOOLS ON EAT-A-BULL. (MANIACAL LAUGHTER).  BELOW IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THEIR LAST PRACTICE SESSION:

​LOEPKE (IN HIS NERDY, DUMB VOICE): UM... OK PLEASE CAN WE GET THIS PRACTICE STARTED PLEASE?

GALVIN:  CHILL OUT, BRO.  I'M, LIKE, TOTES READY TO PLAY ALREADY.

LOEPKE (STILL ANNOYING):  OK. I'M SORRY SIR.  CAN I PLAY MAYBE, PLEASE MAYBE?

DAUBARUS: SHUT UP SQUARE! YOU KNOW YOUR ROLE ON THIS TEAM.  JUST SIT THERE AND COMB YOUR HAIR.

GALVIN: WHAT IF THE MOON WAS, LIKE, A CUE BALL AND, LIKE, GOD WAS JUST, LIKE, PLAYING POOL WITH THE PLANETS AND THATS WHY THE EARTH SPINS?

DAUBARUS: I LITERALLY CAN'T WITH YOU, GALVIN.  GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER! AM I THE ONLY ONE THINKING ABOUT PLAYOFFS?

LOEPKE (PROBABLY COMBING HIS HAIR): I SURE HOPE WE DON'T HAVE TO FACE THOSE JUST THE TIPS GUYS.  THEY SURE DO WORRY ME.

GALVIN: YEAH, BUT, LIKE, YOUR HAIR IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEIRS.  YOUR HAIR IS LIKE A COMBO OF LUX AND FAB.  

TAMMY: YOU'RE ALL FABULOUS!  I LOVE YOU ALL!  I LOVE EVERYONE!

DAUBARUS:  WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU TAMMY?!?! KEEP THAT CHEERFULNESS AT COACH'S.  OK, LET'S PLAY. LOEPKE, WE WILL SUFFER THROUGH WATCHING YOU GO FIRST.

LOEPKE (I CAN'T STAND THIS GUY):  UM, I'M SO SORRY CHRIS, BUT MR. GALVIN ASKED ME TO TIGHTEN UP HIS BUN FOR HIM.  CAN YOU PLEASE GO FIRST PLEASE, IF IT ISN'T TOO MUCH TROUBLE?

​DAUBARUS:  I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU TWO PLAYING WITH EACH OTHER'S HAIR! 

​GALVIN: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT IF YOU PLAY STRAWBERRY FIELDS BACKWARDS, YOU CAN HEAR RINGO TELL PAUL THAT HIS MUSTACHE LOOKS STUPID?

TAMMY: I LOVE STRAWBERRIES! I LOVE GRAPES! GO FRUIT!

ANNA:  I NEED TO FIND A NEW FRICKIN TEAM...


NOVEMBER 6, 2018

I AM HAPPY TO SEE THAT I WILL NOT BE THE ONLY ONE WHO IS ACCUSED OF SAND BAGGING.  AVERAGES ARE DROPPING EXCEPT FOR LOEPKE AND GALVIN... I MAKE SURE THEIR AVERAGES WILL NEVER LOWER.  I AM HOPING FOR A MAX HANDICAP WHEN WE MEET THOSE PUNKS IN THE PLAYOFFS.

SINCE, NOT MANY OF YOU WERE THERE TO SEE IT, WE DID DO A TRIPS POT THIS PAST WEEK.  MR. FERNANDEZ WAS DRAWN (INVESTIGATION PENDING) AND THEN ROLLED A 17 (INVESTIGATION PENDING).  MR. FERNANDEZ THEN PROCEEDED TO HIT ALL THREE DARTS IN THE TRIPLE 17.  WHILE I AM HAPPY FOR MARIO, I AM A LITTLE UPSET THAT I DID NOT RECEIVE A TIP FOR MY EFFORTS.  SOME WOULD SAY I DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO WARRANT A TIP, BUT I WAS THE ONLY ONE ROOTING FOR JESUS AS THE DARTS FLEW TO THE BOARD.  I EXPECT AT LEAST ONE DRINK PURCHASED FOR ME TONIGHT.

OCTOBER 24, 2018

I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT HANDICAPS WOULD HAVE BEEN UPDATED IN RECORD TIME, BUT I DO NOT HAVE ALL OF THE SHEETS.  I WON'T PUT ANYONE ON BLAST.  LET'S JUST SAY I WAS DEE-KLEINED THE OPPORTUNITY TO UPDATE HANDICAPS EARLY THIS WEEK.  IF ANYONE TEXTS OR CALLS ME BEFORE TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK ASKING WHERE THE HANDICAPS ARE, YOUR SCORE IS AUTOMATICALLY ADJUSTED BY 2 POINTS.

I HAVE BECOME TOO INTIMIDATED BY THE LOEPKES AND SCHMITTS OF THE LEAGUE.  MY SKILLS CANNOT KEEP UP WITH THE SLIGHTLY-BETTER-THAN MEDIOCRE SKILLS THAT GUYS LIKE THESE POSSESS. FURTHERMORE, I WOKE UP TODAY TIRED.  I WOKE UP TIRED LAST WEDNESDAY.  THE WEDNESDAY BEFORE THAT WAS OK, BUT WE DIDN'T PLAY THAT WEEK.  I THINK ITS RETIREMENT TIME.  FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON, YOU ARE ALL ENCOURAGED TO SHOWER ME WITH PRAISE AND GIFTS.  I'M WILLING TO ACCEPT PAID WORK IN A GENERAL MANAGER / FRONT OFFICE TYPE POSITION NEXT SEASON.  


OCTOBER 14, 2018

SCOTT WESNER FINISHED A CRICKET GAME WITH A 0.00.  THAT IS ALL FOR COMMENTARY THIS WEEK.


OCTOBER 5, 2018


A LETTER TO RYAN GALVIN ON BEHALF OF THE ENTIRE LEAGUE:

DEAR MANBUN, 
WE, THE PEOPLE, HAVE DECIDED THAT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  WE THOUGHT THAT DAVE LOEPKE WAS THE WORST THING IN THIS LEAGUE WITH HIS FLOWING HAIR AND HIS "COOL KIDS PLAY STEEL TIP" ATTITUDE, BUT WE WERE WRONG.  WE DO NOT LIKE LOSING TO SOMEONE THAT CAN SIMPLY LEAN IN AND PLACE THE DARTS IN THE DESIRED LOCATION.  ON TOP OF THAT, THE SAMSON-LIKE POWER THAT COMES FROM YOUR MANBUN, DISGUSTS US.  PLEASE CUT YOUR HAIR AND TELL YOUR CAPTAIN TO DO THE SAME. 

SINCERELY,
EVERYONE

 

SEPTEMBER 13, 2018


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WEEK 1 IS IN THE BOOKS... FOR THE MOST PART.  WE HAVE SLACKERS AND PROBLEM CHILDREN THAT DECIDED THEY WERE NOT READY TO PLAY DARTS, SO WE ALREADY HAVE MAKE UP MATCHES COMING.  I'VE MADE THE EXECUTIVE DECISION THAT YAGODA/LOEPKE OWE A $3 PER DAY INCONVENIENCE FEE UNTIL THE MATCH IS PLAYED.  

STRATEGY WHEN PLAYING SHRIMPIN: PLAY EARLY AGAINST ERNST AND LATER AGAINST SCHMITT.  I DON'T KNOW IF ITS THE BUD LIGHTS OR FATIGUE, BUT MR. SCHMITT FALLS APART IN THE END.  CONVERSELY, BUD LIGHT TO DAN ERNST IS LIKE SPINACH TO POPEYE.   ALSO, PLAY LITTRELL WHENEVER YOU WANT.

THE NEW TEAMS MAY NEED SOME HELP SETTING UP THE BOARDS IN THESE FIRST FEW WEEKS.  I EXPECT YOU TO HELP AND TEACH!

"BEST GAME OF THE WEEK" WILL BE ADDED TO THE "LEAGUE LEADERS" PAGE.  CHECK IT OUT. BEFORE YOU ASK... YES, THIS IS BEING ADDED JUST SO I CAN BRAG ABOUT MY 6.43



SEPTEMBER 11, 2018


IS IT FALL DART SEASON ALREADY?  IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY LOEPKE AND CREW WERE CHEATING THEIR WAY TO VICTORY.  PROPER PRECAUTIONS HAVE BEEN TAKEN THIS YEAR TO PREVENT ANOTHER DISASTROUS EVENT LIKE THAT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN.  NOBODY WANTS  TO SEE DAVE HAPPY.

WHILE WE ARE GOING TO HAVE LOTS OF FUN THIS SEASON, IT IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT WINNING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN FUN.  I'M OUT FOR BLOOD THIS YEAR, PEOPLE.  GET OUT OF MY WAY!  I'VE PRACTICED JUST ENOUGH TO BEAT 15% OF YOU.  FOR THE REST OF YOU, I PLAN TO USE MIND GAMES AND SORCERY.

GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE TONIGHT!  I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOUR SMILING FACES.